A new beginning

I realised what a powerful tool the mind is. For the last 8 to 9 months I had been moaning and groaning and blaming everything, everyone and myself for the state I was in. Believe me physically I was in great pain! Mind never worked! It had buried itself in a vast quagmire of self pity. I even started planning out the division of my jewellery between my two children! It was that bad. The usual round of hospitals and doctors did yield a few problems and I was given a million solution. Then I came across this book called "The Secret" which I read with a lot of reluctance (I normally don't believe in things that I term as "Gyan") But I was in such dire straits that I was like a drowning man clutching at a straw! so I read it, was made to listen to it and even watched the video based on it.

I think everyone who is going through any crisis (The young life, the mid-life or the old-life crisis) should read it. It has something for everyone. The ultimate choice is yours. That is you choose to pick up what you want. It was this freedom of choice that lured me into it. It's simple language was another attraction. It does promise you a lot of things which may not come true, but your basic problems do get solved. Maybe if I had followed the nitty gritties, everything would come out positive.

For the present I am happy that most of my physical problems are all solved. My mind has come out from the hell it was in and is growing freely in a world of sunlight and fresh air. I think it was Marlowe who made Faust say"There is no heaven or hell, it is all in our mind" ( I am not sure as to its accuracy) but that is what I experienced in these last few months!

MIND AND BODY

Life limped along at a sedate pace

The mind, the impatient mind

A tyrant, sadist, thoughtless brute

Lashed limping life

With the whip of truth.

Blind life saw a streak of light

And limped along faster

Thinking not of the physical body

It dragged itself towards its goal.

The body cried in agony to deaf life

Bruised and battered it sobbed along

Beads of tears came down

From its very heart.

It eroded the body!

Limb after limb fell down exhausted

But life limped on to its object

And the mind still impatient

Prodded it along with

The spear of conscience.

1983

This was written more than twenty years ago but unconsciously I had realised the strength of the mind. i-It just took me so long to accept this consciously!

Waiting......

Years ago when I was in college I studied a play by Samuel Beckett "Waiting for Godot". I remember I was fascinated by it, which was strange cause I was still in my teens and teens normally do not have the patience to go through this very slow play! But I identified with this in every aspect of my life- from waiting at the bus stop to waiting for my exam results!

In the intervening years I was too busy, first studying then bringing up a family to ever think of this play.I think I did mention it to my students while teaching them but I never went into any detail. Though that period too had its waiting periods I was most of the time multi-tasking so I did not really go through the agony of waiting.

Now I can hardly say that I am busy (Ironic cause I live in a city which is always on the go!) I am back to basics so to say! I get up and I am waiting to send everyone off (Meaning husband and child) then waiting for the maid then waiting for some new games to play on the computer, then waiting for the child to come back and so on and so forth. The waiting game never ends!

Suddenly I realised, like the tramps in the play, I am waiting for some intangible desire to be fulfilled. I know I am waiting for something to happen but what that "something" is , is a mystery. The lethargy that had enveloped me for the last three years is slowly unraveling and maybe when this mist is cleared I will know what is it that my heart desires. Till then I am "waiting". I know many of us go through this and prefer to either ignore or negate it but that's not a solution.

Well my first positive towards this is to make a time table (as I used to during my student days) and have a series of occupation to fill my day. It could be as inane as doing puja, but it is an activity which gives me satisfaction and pleasure or something which is physical like doing 30 minutes on the treadmill which is equally satisfying. I realised that now instead of waiting for things to happen, I am looking forward to my next activity and this reduces the emotional and psychological ennui that I am going through.

Hope this helps those who read it and give me further tips to get out of the pit (that I had myself dug!) as soon as possible.

Survival

The other day I was driving down to my favourite shopping place. As is the wont in Mumbai I was stuck at the traffic signal; where as usual there were people knocking on the window; tap tapping selling me anything from car mobile chargers to agarbathis to Alphonso mangoes! Not surprisingly I avoided their eyes and looked down at my idle hands.

There was a water tanker ahead of my car - a derelict excuse of a truck with a huge tank filled with water behind. It had two huge taps at the bottom of the tanker.( I am sure you all know what I am talking about). I could see people sleeping in the gap in the divider with a sheet to keep out the sunlight at one place and at another I saw a mother cooking on the pavement with a baby on her lap and lots of similar pictures of poverty that dot this city of dreams. I felt sorry, sympathized and turned my thoughts elsewhere ( I consoled myself by saying what can I do????).

Suddenly I saw a young girl- must have been eighteen or nineteen- dressed in a faded yellow salwar kameez and carrying two Jerry cans come right in front of my car. she nonchalantly opened one of the taps and filled the cans and walked back on the hot pavement to wherever she had come from! The driver did not know and neither would the people who bought the tanker of water  know, so what did it matter that this young girl got her water easily. There were many who would have seen her but no one bothered to reprimand her (neither did I, though I was the closest!) But I wondered whether this street smartness would land her in a soup later. The traffic resumed its snail pace and she slowly vanished out of my sight along with the tanker.

I don't know what she looked like. I doubt if I would recognize her if I saw her again! But what I know is She remains etched in my mind as the ultimate symbol of survival in the city!

Lure of the books

As a child I loved to be alone; play with my dolls or build mud houses, I don't remember having played with anyone till I was eight or nine! Even then it was with my sister's friends, but then I made my first friend,(I felt thrilled!) her name was Molly and she was one year senior to me at school. We bonded mainly because we went swimming together. I don't remember what we talked about, but I do remember that we used to hold hands and walk all over the club where both our parents were members. She was the one who egged me to develop my interest in books. She was an only child, so her bedroom was a kids delight, full of foreign toys and Enid Blyton books! She made me borrow books from the library. At first I did it to please her and to feel as grown up as my father or sister (Who always pretended to be grown up from the moment she was born!) but then slowly I got addicted to them. I went through all the Enid Blyton's at a rapid pace; varied my menu to Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, Three investigators and the usual fare, children those days used to devour. We parted ways when I was in sixth and I lost touch with her, now I wonder what happened to Molly? I don't even remember her surname!


My love affair with books continued and I went on to do literature and enjoyed every moment of my five years at the University. But those five years were serious years. I strictly forbade myself unconsciously to read any 'non-classic' books ( I know now, I lost out on a lot of good reading!) But this was the time I became a thinking reader rather than a pleasure loving one and the training helped me to appreciate books at another level and gave me much more satisfaction and insight that I had before. It made me more critical too. I realised then that I had slowly become critical of everything, not only books, I felt I had the power and the strength to criticize without doing any internal assessment of myself. Oh! well that is the pride of the youth ! I forgive myself now for it and I forgive a lot of other young people around me
.

These days I am re-reading books that I read in my youth and childhood (even the Enid Blyton's) Believe me, though I finish them much faster than before, I appreciate them two folds!Thankfully I have a family of book lovers so that when we get transferred from place to place, though there is a lot of stuff thrown away, no one ever suggests that the old yellowing best friends are ever given away! I hope they last till my days on earth come to an end and are cherished by others.


I haven't been able to get certain books that I would love to get ( I dare not mention their names for the fear of being laughed at!) So I tried reading e-books..... But the pleasure of lying on your stomach with your legs bent at the knees and up, with a packet of chips or a plate of sandwich is not there neither is the smell of  freshly printed pages nor the musty smell of old pages tantalize the nostrils! It is no fun to move the mouse when you can use your fingers to flip the next page. But life moves on and the new generation may never know the real pleasure of a paper back but they would have created their own entertainment and who knows their degree of happiness may be more than ours!


But those who read this please take the time to give me your experiences of reading as feedback so that I believe that I am Normal and not experiencing the feelings of a loner that I was.

The Female Position

"She emerged from the centre of the creative mist, swathed in all the past experiences. The frothy sea tumbled all around her in waves yet like the birth of Venus she continued emerging and dispelling life all around her". I wonder why I have described "Idea" as a she. Well to begin with, an idea is as turbulent as a female; as flexible too! Being a female I am very proud of this aspect of an "idea".

As a child I was always aware of the fact that people felt sorry for my parents who had no sons; but never, I insist never was I or (I think) my sister made cognizant of this through our parents ideas or views. 

I had once written an essay on the role of the modern women where I began the essay as “In the ancient times the role of women was limited to the household and domestic arena. They played behind the scenes, they were the backbone of the society and they nurtured and cared and reared great men in their backyards". If you notice I have used “Great Men” only, this is not because I have a gender bias but it is because that was the truth." You might wonder where I got this idea from if not from my parents; actually I got this from all the history books that we study in school. I realized that women from the 8th century started regressing into the background or maybe after the birth of Christ (I really haven't done accurate research on all this). When we search for women in mythology whether its Greek or Indian, we find a powerful mind and in some cases a powerful body (Athena or Durga) and we must remember the deity of learning is Saraswati!

I have, as every woman at one time or the other in her life, felt insecure because of physical frailty. I have also taken advantage of this social bias and got out of a lot of work that I know I could have easily done! 

But remember, all the women who read this, we can change the world with "ideas" and we are best equipped to deal with this. Ideas do not need strength nor are there any social bias connected with who gives the idea. It’s very heartening to see magazines doing write ups on successful women, our heart swells up with pride and the small imp called envy rear its head - worm like- to sow its seed of discontent amongst us!

I am not a "Successful woman" per se, in the sense I have no earth shaking achievement to my name, but as The Geeta has advised us, I have fulfilled (Still doing it!) my duties to the best of my ability! Women all around me are doing it all the time without any hope for recognition and that is wonderful.
A minuscule part of me is always dissatisfied with- why I didn't do this or I could have done that- so I go on stumbling on the road to...... (You fill in the blank). Middle age has brought with a lot of wrinkles, Grey hair and fat! It has also brought with it a sense of peace and calm and an acceptance of certain truths which though unpalatable are bitter sweet and edible!

Men have an equally important role to fulfill, poor things! Most of them do great things yet no one goes gaga over these works. I will at some later date talk about "What I feel is the importance of being men" not today, as I am feeling very "feminist" but just to give an insight into it - their ancestors were responsible for the regression of women but the modern MAN is playing his part in uplifting and pushing woman to her rightful(?) position!

Love

Ultimate fulfillment

Loving life

With a lustfulness

Worthy of death

Human life and

Human emotions

Merge

And the creators create love.

I wrote this when I was in the tenth standard! I do not remember the feelings that made me write this but now it makes infinite sense and I would like to sign off with-'all creations are a work of love- whether its the birth of a child or a piece of writing. Treat each with the respect it deserves and create another experience for yourself and others. Give every idea a chance and one might come up with a wonderful creation.'