Help!

It’s very difficult to crawl your way out of a hole of your own making. Each step is painful and energy consuming. It’s not that I have never been in the doldrums but this time I am in a cubby hole with no windows or lights. It’s a totally negative feeling, completely black and grey with no tinge of colour in the far horizon! I mean I am not feeling blue (Blue is a lovely colour!) I am felling deep dense black. Very heavy and lost; have you ever felt this way before? If you have, then I need tons of advice to get out of these murky waters!

I used to love the cold weather, now I am dying for warm sunshine. I feel as if I am finding excuses to lie cuddled up within my cocoon of unhappiness! I am scared that I will start getting a kind of pleasure in all the darkness around me! The sunshine is fighting a losing battle with the dark clouds all the time. The lovely turquoise sea has faded in my memory – now only the colourless foam crashing against the rock acts as a whiplash on my scarred psyche. I am not wallowing in misery, believe me, I have tried everything, from music to mediation, from walking to shopping but nothing holds any charm. Chocolates have failed to bring me up!

The howling winds used to pump up my heart and I used to feel filled with energy and zest when the storm brewed in front of my eyes but now I want the calm and pleasant golden hue to permeate the environment. I hate the bite and nip of the wind on my face! I toss my fishing line into my memory for the kind of thrill I used to have but not one bite is there for me to reel in…….

Life goes on in automaton splendor and I wonder how to hold on to the foothold I have carved for myself in the pit! I want to do something which will drag me from this abyss and set me safe on the cliff so that I can walk off without a backward glance. But what? I have talked with family and friends, I have pretended to understand all the advice and pretended to follow them but you can’t lie to yourself and nothing has worked (It’s possible that I have not honestly followed their advice)

  

Today as I write all these, my foothold has become stronger and deeper and I know it will push me out of this abyss sooner or later. I am being honest with myself and with you all and this gives me the extra strength to propel or plan my escape! I am still way down but I can see a glimmer of light- very faint but there nevertheless.

A few days ago I met a monk. He promised to remember me in his prayers along with his fellow monks – another push up from the pit! It was wonderful to meet a selfless person – a person without ties yet he is tied to humankind- the compassion that flowed from his eyes was like a balm on my scarred soul.

I want an analysis of the state of my mind. Physically I am fit, so are my family members; my friends are doing well and everything under the sky seems hunky dory yet I am down in the dumps. If you have ever felt this way before then let me know and I will know that I am not abnormal!

Help me turn my glimmer of light into blazing sunshine; help me throw away this blanket of darkness and welcome lovely warmth; help me feel around in my memory pool and find moments of happiness which will dispel the cold permeating my very being……  

   

Unreal Events

The blinding light took my breath away. I gasped, as I sort of recognized the form. It has been more than six months that I had this experience but dreams are strange….. Unconnected thoughts connect each other and everything feels real in this dimension of life.

The day before I had very energetically decided on going for the short walk to get Chiqui some highlighters and pens from an Art shop near our old apartment; I went for my usual treadmill jaunt; came back and took the hardworking (supposedly!) student to pick up stationary. We were given an added list of things to be picked up from the shop. I made my own list of things to be picked up from the Pharmacy and the Metro and off we went.

Both of us were warmly clothed against the cold winter breeze. It was sunny but blustery and we were glad of the extra coat we were wearing.  We tripped out talking nineteen to a dozen in the sun trying to go up and down the pedestrian walk. I remember feeling full of energy.

We were right in front of the Arts College when my companion pointed out to our old apartment and I instinctively looked at it. Even from that distance I could see all the lights blazing in the house (Remember it was still daylight) and for that instant I saw my old friend (read “The sixth sense”) or at least his form. Many will argue about how I could see him from so far away and to all I shall say “if I could see all the lights blazing in the house I can see this form on the balcony!” I felt a little shaken and looked down as I stumbled a bit. I looked up again but there was no one there! I assumed I had imagined it and didn’t mention it to anyone.

After our shopping in the Art shop we walked back and when we were just opposite the house again Chiqui noticed that I was walking as if I was exhausted and said so. I just pooh poohed it away and we went home after completing all the other shopping. By the time we reached home I was thoroughly exhausted and had begun having a headache. The evening was normal and I did all my chores along with my headache and slept complaining of sore throat and headache.

The next day was terrible. Husband had gone off early so he didn’t realize my state. The morning was horrible I dragged myself doing all I could do so that the kids would be able to have breakfast and lunch properly.  Then I dozed on and off – seeing horrible dreams! Popping Crocin because by now I was aching all over and that’s the only medicine I could think of taking. 

I then dreamt of my friend recurrently and woke up to understand what was happening. I felt a little better and talked with Chiqui about this possibility and then felt worse and went off to doze again; quite convinced that the ‘evil eye’ had to be removed before I could  ever get well again!

Poor Husband! He was welcomed with a sick wife after a hard day’s work! He was also made to do the ritual of ‘evil eye removal’ and then I dozed again, off and on. I do remember being given food and people walking around but I felt relieved- as if a tight band of iron was removed from around my head! I slept the night through.

Hubby says I was moaning throughout as if I was in a great deal of pain but I don’t recall anything! I woke up absolutely tired but well. The aches and pains had disappeared; the headache had also vanished and the constant desire to sleep had evaporated and I was almost normal and till now I am doing all my normal activity. 

The question now is what kind of infection was it that laid me down for twenty four hours? I was so down that I felt I was at death’s door. Anyway was this infection cured by Crocin or by the ‘evil eye removal’ ritual? Was my sickness psychological?  If it was, then what was the reason for my high temperature?

Whatever it was I will not go near my old apartment again as I now remember that an almost identical thing had happened the last time I went near it. In fact Hubby dear had banned me from looking in that direction when we drive past it….

On second thoughts could it be the shot of cognac which scared the ghost fever off?????