Help!

It’s very difficult to crawl your way out of a hole of your own making. Each step is painful and energy consuming. It’s not that I have never been in the doldrums but this time I am in a cubby hole with no windows or lights. It’s a totally negative feeling, completely black and grey with no tinge of colour in the far horizon! I mean I am not feeling blue (Blue is a lovely colour!) I am felling deep dense black. Very heavy and lost; have you ever felt this way before? If you have, then I need tons of advice to get out of these murky waters!

I used to love the cold weather, now I am dying for warm sunshine. I feel as if I am finding excuses to lie cuddled up within my cocoon of unhappiness! I am scared that I will start getting a kind of pleasure in all the darkness around me! The sunshine is fighting a losing battle with the dark clouds all the time. The lovely turquoise sea has faded in my memory – now only the colourless foam crashing against the rock acts as a whiplash on my scarred psyche. I am not wallowing in misery, believe me, I have tried everything, from music to mediation, from walking to shopping but nothing holds any charm. Chocolates have failed to bring me up!

The howling winds used to pump up my heart and I used to feel filled with energy and zest when the storm brewed in front of my eyes but now I want the calm and pleasant golden hue to permeate the environment. I hate the bite and nip of the wind on my face! I toss my fishing line into my memory for the kind of thrill I used to have but not one bite is there for me to reel in…….

Life goes on in automaton splendor and I wonder how to hold on to the foothold I have carved for myself in the pit! I want to do something which will drag me from this abyss and set me safe on the cliff so that I can walk off without a backward glance. But what? I have talked with family and friends, I have pretended to understand all the advice and pretended to follow them but you can’t lie to yourself and nothing has worked (It’s possible that I have not honestly followed their advice)

  

Today as I write all these, my foothold has become stronger and deeper and I know it will push me out of this abyss sooner or later. I am being honest with myself and with you all and this gives me the extra strength to propel or plan my escape! I am still way down but I can see a glimmer of light- very faint but there nevertheless.

A few days ago I met a monk. He promised to remember me in his prayers along with his fellow monks – another push up from the pit! It was wonderful to meet a selfless person – a person without ties yet he is tied to humankind- the compassion that flowed from his eyes was like a balm on my scarred soul.

I want an analysis of the state of my mind. Physically I am fit, so are my family members; my friends are doing well and everything under the sky seems hunky dory yet I am down in the dumps. If you have ever felt this way before then let me know and I will know that I am not abnormal!

Help me turn my glimmer of light into blazing sunshine; help me throw away this blanket of darkness and welcome lovely warmth; help me feel around in my memory pool and find moments of happiness which will dispel the cold permeating my very being……