A Letter of Romance

 

 

Dearest Darling,

It has been a tough week without you! I have so wanted to run and gather you in my arms that both my heart and stomach hurts. The golden-brown crispiness that you personify is like the sirens of the Greek mythology, I cannot but drift and be embroiled in your coils.

The soft opening and closing of the doors, the surreptitious glances and the tenterhooks of deep desire, the ecstatic joy and the final fulfilment. I really miss them.

How long can I keep up this yearning under wraps? How much longer need I catfoot around the obvious? How may I skirt the main issue of being faithful?

I know you are there waiting for me. All I need to do is unveil the truth of my heart. But I am a coward in both aspects of my double life. “To be or not to be” is the question, that hammers in my skull exactly at eleven a.m. and four p.m.

I need you. I am desperate. I will give myself a couple of days more then it has to be either here or there.

Will I give you up or continue to be in a clandestine relationship is what the next forty-eight hours will unveil to my psyche. I will be brave enough to take the bull by the horns and follow my destiny. Only You can help me ….

Yours forever

Whatever Happens.

 
I have written similar letters in my mind many times. Have I ever sent them anywhere? No I haven’t! Not because I am a prude (as my family calls me!) but the recipient is uneducated, illiterate and has no brains whatsoever. How would the receiver then understand the poignancy of the yearning and desire that besets me?

It’s not that you’re grand or glamorous. You’re small, quick, secretive, a crust here, a lick there, a bite of cheese while “just checking” if it’s still good. You thrive in the shadows between real meals, and somehow you convince me you’re invisible. “We don’t count,” you whisper, like a guilty crush. And I believe you.

When I’m waiting for the microwave to ding, you’re there. When I’m staring blankly into the fridge, hoping for answers to life’s problems, you’re there. You’re my little stolen moments, my snack confessions, my delicious denials. You’re not an indulgence, you’re research.

By now you would have guessed the ‘lover’ in my hidden life.

Oh, Half a Cookie, you’re so selfless. You break in two just so I can convince myself I’ve only eaten “part” of you. Sweet Broken Chips at the bottom of the bag, you don’t count because you’re “basically seasoning”

You’ve been my co-conspirator, my secret ally, my tiny rebellions against portion control. I know the scale knows about you. I know my jeans know about you. But still, when the clock hits 11 a.m. and I’m standing in front of the snack cupboard like it’s an oracle, you’re there — a crumb, a bite, a spoonful of comfort.

Will I then be able to fight the inevitable and squash this desire into shapeless crumbs? The forty-eight hours will soon pass and as I stand against the tide, the sea salt in my crisp will awash my determination and the sands beneath my feet will give way to your dominant personality and I shall be Scarlette to your Rhett. All my resilience and strength will be “Gone with the wind”.

So here’s to you, my invisible indulgence. We both know you count. We just won’t say it out loud. “And so, until tomorrow, my beloved crumbs, I remain yours — secretly but irrevocably.”

 

Forming a Bridge between Reality and Expectations

The background was blue. Blue sky; blue moon; blue stars and even the grass was blue! I walked up steadily trying to reach the cliff. I took in the faint whiff of moist earth and sodden grass and reached the jutting cliff. I looked down at the backwaters between the chasm and felt a little dizzy and then looked up at the opposite side to another cliff jutting out. There was an intense desire to jump and cross the chasm and reach the other side. The brightness and glitter put out beckoning hands and I jumped.... I woke up with a jump too! Feeling terribly frustrated, for I didn’t know whether I fell or crossed the chasm successfully!

 

As individuals we have our own desires and expectations and to add to this is the expectations of others. As a race we human do try to be honest. But we do have a strain of dishonesty which makes us put on masks. We are never truly honest even with ourselves and so these expectations are half formed blurry images which we shy away from focusing on. So what... then what?

 

Most great persons are of two kinds, either they are totally insular, they live in their own world and live life setting benchmarks and expecting people to kowtow to their laws and rules or they are totally social, they live in a world of other people where they carve and scrimp and adjust with the others, thinking of others and doing things for others. I am no great person, most of us are a bit of both, we have our own personal desires and expectations, we inhabit both kind of worlds and we get along falling and rising.

 

This is all great as long as all the issues and problems involve us personally but what happens when it involves someone else? My desire cannot be fulfilled, if someone else does not walk in tandem with me; then what do I do? DO I push the other person; kick him; prod him or show by example, and what happens when none of these work? Do I take the uncomplicated way out and wallow in deep depression or be brave and ignore that something like that was never on my bulletin board, or be a coward and ‘mask’ my emotions?

 

I have too many open-ended questions to satisfy even my own mediocre psyche, so I dare not venture into other people’s domains! The horse was obviously thirsty, so the rider took him to the pond, but the horse refused to drink from it. The horse expected to be taken to a waterfall or to source of running water not to a stagnant pond hence he refused to drink! The rider of course thought that he had done a fantastic job in realizing the horse’s need and taking him to the water source but was met with an ungrateful horse. Thus there was a chasm between the reality and expectation! Left to him the horse may have found what he desired but his owner was leading him with the bridle, and he did not have the freedom to express his emotions.

 

The advantage that we have over the horse is that we can express ourselves but unlike the horse we live in a polite society and not only are we not honest, but we also put on masks, blindfold others, and repeat statements like “All is well” to spread pseudo-happiness in the entire world.

 

There must have been many a time when we have fallen short of our expectations. Then why the big deal when someone else falls short? I will tell you why, it’s because you can play the blame game very easily but it’s very difficult to blame yourself, you see! 

 

The whole solution to this lies in lunging over the chasm in a comfortable manner. One answer could be, “do not have any expectations” (Not sure if this is possible!), another could be, “do not have any from others” (Very difficult) still another is “keep the expectations within limits” (don’t ask for the moon when you can be happy with the torch light!)

 

The human heart is very troublesome- it is illogical, impractical, and impassable. It is argumentative, augmentative, and allegorical, unlike the mind. We thus have the eternal fight between the mind and the heart and “God save the heart” from the ruthless mind but it’s time we buried the heart between the two cliffs of reality and expectation and make it the bridge to happiness...