A new battle!

 

Those who follow my blogs will know that one of my bete noires is the Pigeon! I will not go into the distant history of my various battles which began when I was a teenager but has begun in the last four years.

In our new apartment, we have sizable balcony (I believe they call it ‘the deck’ nowadays). A lover of plants, I have filled the perimeter with potted plants. In the monsoon they grow so well that it looks as if you are sitting in a mini forest. Not satisfied with this I have added lights and fountains and small Knick knacks which according to me enhances the whole atmosphere.

We spend our mornings and evenings and sometimes late night in this august space. We live on the thirty sixth floor which faces cloud and mist clad mountains so you can understand our obsession. In fact the children have named it “The Rapunzel Tower”. If I can help it, I do not leave it for days on end. I am self-sufficient! (though my hair is neither as beautiful or long or strong as Rapunzel!)

So the snake in my ‘Garden of Eden’ (I know I am mixing metaphors!) is the Pigeon. When we first moved in, we left our French windows wide open. The pigeons took this as an invitation to move in but lacked the IQ to figure out how to leave. Cue pandemonium: fluttering wings, frantic cooing, me switching off ceiling fans in terror of accidental pigeon homicide.

After multiple concussions (theirs, not mine), I was reduced to calling the guards to remove stunned intruders while they laughed at my cowardice. Eventually, I thought the Pigeon News Press (PNP) had published a warning about our flat being a trap, because the invasions ceased.

I exhaled too soon.

We had been gifted a lovely, large, faux stone, waterfall which was a little too large for the main living room so with my brilliant mind I put it on ‘the deck’. The rains had stopped and the sun was now burning down shamelessly, the little stream that passed by our apartment was becoming dry.

Then started the “Return of the grey force” … they came in twos, sat on the balcony rail strutted around, did a lot of cooing and fluttering. I ignored them, they were after all outside, I reasoned to myself. So I let my guard slip and the next moment one of them hopped on to the back of the sofa I had been sitting on and then another step on to the waterfall bowl and drinking away to glory. He was followed by his partner and there ensued a battle royale and my lovely clean space was filled with poop and feathers!

Thus began third world war and has lasted for the last three years and I have a feeling it will be called ‘the hundred years war’ (If I survive that is!)

First, we moved the waterfall to another location, did not work. Then we placed the head of a pharaoh with head gear and snake on the top most bowl, it did work for a couple of days but one of the young fearless ones flew and toppled it! End of episode two. Then we camouflaged it with real live plants, did not work. Draped it with artificial leaves, did not work. Put lights over it, did not work.

The only deterrent was to put off the waterfall during the day, but then that was not conducive to peace and harmony, so back to shooing and making noise whenever they dared to cross ‘The Laxman Rekha.’

We of course were given a lot of advice- “put those pokey things around the waterfall,” “keep a recording of loud noise”, “put a scarecrow figure”- believe me we tried everything. I remember scouring Amazon for anti-pigeon machines and even tried some sonic repellent. Then the ultimate advise “just take it off from the balcony, all your problems are solved.”

But this is like throwing down my arms and waving the white flag of surrender! Could I be so cowardly as that? How dare these birds even dream of defeating me? So I vowed to continue my war. There is ‘win some lose some battles’ but I will let these birds drink the dirty water from my waterfall over my dead body! It is now a ‘do or die’ and a continual MOP (Military Operational Plan) is being created second by second.

The last ammunition is a string of flashing lights fitted onto a revolving wall mounted side fan falling over the waterfall continuously and has lasted for four days!

There are of course the couple who come over to do a recon once in a while but no bird has come into my arena! God willing this battle is mine!

The bug in the Apple

The balding, white haired old man came and said “Hi! Didi”, I woke up from this nightmare with a jump. (You see, I think of myself as an eternal twenty-one-year-old and this person referring to me as an older sister is like a nightmare!). Anyway I was now half awake; I opened the flap of my cell phone to check the time. It was one A.M. in the morning; it was all silent outside; the Ganesh Visarjan was either over or was too far away for us to hear the drums and songs.

I then noticed that my TT* was missing from the bed. I know she is not the kind who would stay up so late to study. I tumbled out of bed and padded barefoot to the living room to see madam sitting at the table with the mac opened and her I-phone attached to it like a patient on life support! There were plenty of wires, all trailing over the table, chair and floor. Before I continue, I must tell you what happened earlier in the night…….

The 18^th of September was D day for my little Apple Fan! You see the new iOS7 was going to be released that day. From the morning itself, I had heard it almost a hundred times as to what an exciting day it was going to be. Though I tried to muster up the same enthusiasm I failed miserably! For once the bitten Apple fan did not notice my failure and she enumerated the many advantages of the new Operating System. There was a test at school but the only thing on her mind was the great OS! I wasn't expecting any great results in the test.

The ETA was 10 o’clock India time. Thankfully we had finished our dinner by then and most of the homework had been completed. The elder sister was trying to tutor her in math; of course the mind not being there, the inevitable argument ensued and both of them went their own way (the final outcome of all disagreements!)

“Oh My God! Oh My God!”

The scream that announced this was obviously to be noted and we both looked up to see an excited TT…

“It’s come; it’s come!”

It sounded as if “It’s a boy” by the nurse outside the delivery room!

“It’s installing, OMG! it started” all the while jumping around the room in excitement. For a moment I forgot she was sixteen- she seemed about five years old.

Older sister rolled her eyes and we both looked at each other and smiled indulgently.

We got busy with our nightly routine. She continued sitting at the table ….

At 11.30, I realized that she was nowhere near the bed and I asked her why she wasn’t coming.

There was frustration writ large on her face, “it didn’t install correctly, there is an error, and I have to do it again!”

Feeling sorry for her I left her to her devices and went to bed.

 

Coming back to my 1 A.M. sojourn…….

“Why aren't you in bed? Don’t you have school?” I mumbled half asleep.

“Oh! Ma! It’s installing; should get over in fifteen minutes; will come to bed after that...”

Too sleepy to argue I went back to sleep.

The alarm woke me up at six o’clock and what do I see??????

The bitten apple fan on the bed looking at her I-phone with stars in her eyes!

“It’s done, it’s done”, she whispered loudly as soon as she realized I was awake.

This followed a whole lot of “sort of” technical details and extolling of the virtues of the new OS! I was made to look at the new interface and the different colours and even Siri’s new human voice! Bleary eyed and with a muddled mind I absorbed all this to the best of my ability and got out of my bed totally apple blasted!

From that moment till she left for school it was …

“Have you seen how this looks?”

“Have you seen how smoothly this moves?”

“Isn't this so much classier?”

As soon as I was fully awake, I tried to dampen her a little by being wicked…

“Android already has this”

But no effect!

She went and updated my I-pad during this time and tried to update the elder sister’s too (It was being done when the bus arrived so she was not successful!)

As she constantly WhatsApp during her bus ride, she sent one message to her father that he must update his I pad, complete with instructions in bold letters (in case he couldn't “hear” her!).

Her dad was amused at her enthusiasm and went on to update his tablet.

The evening after school, of course continued in this vein and I was deluged with repeat information about the GREAT OS! (She had forgotten that she had told me all and shown me all, in the early morning!)

The excitement continues even as I am writing this. The worm in the apple has not only bitten my little one…... My sister –in –law has already sent instruction to her brother that he must update his tablet, hence his amusement at the two ladies in the family going a little wonky at the birth of the I-OS 7!