Some time back I had mentioned that we are never the same person at all times. Time and tide are ruthless and they carve and cut and grind us, to mould us into a shape which they think fits into the universe. The innocence and faith of a ten year old is not there when you are twenty five. So at ten, you are one individual and another at twenty five; for that matter I am not the same person I was a moment ago! So then what is the reason for my existence? Is it that I am just a cog in the huge universal machinery? Am I just a cold piece of iron cast to fulfill the needs of time? Do I have my use and then be thrown away like a used plastic bag?
I am confusing my metaphors here! I am strong as iron and resilient as plastic and like both, my feelings are not to be taken into account! Feelings, emotions and sensitivity are supposedly “human” weaknesses, and I have no right to indulge in them.
At what age was it that I learnt that it is not “nice” to cry in public or to show any kind of weakness? I don’t remember; it was supposedly a sissy behaviour. Having studied a part of my life in missionary schools I was taught all about the British “stiff upper lip” and till date I hate to express my pain in public (this includes my family!)
Running away from pain has become a habit with me. Like the ostrich I bury my head in the sand, very sure that if I ignore something it will go away! Alas! This does works once in a while but most of the time the problem confronts me head on like Medusa's snakes! The more you cut them the stronger and more potent they grow.
It was raining heavily, the little sparrow, bedraggled, shivered on the balcony. It was a girl sparrow (Did not have the black bib) and she chirped in utter misery; must have been hungry and cold. I wondered how to help it and threw a few crumbs of food, but she looked at it suspiciously and flew away... the rain was very heavy she came back again sidling on the banister and looked longingly at the food... I watched fascinated... she was joined by another sparrow (a boy- had a bib you see!) and slowly both hopped down unto the dry balcony and pecked at the crumbs; then they huddles together in a dry corner ...hopefully safe...In times of darkness you need someone to hold the candle.
Once at a party, I was asked “what would you grab if your house was on fire?” and I instantly without thinking said “nothing”. When I analyze this response now, I realize that even then I knew that material things have no value, they are like the iron and the plastic- they have their use but they have to be trashed at some point in time! They can also be replaced pretty easily....
The cold fingers of the mist swamped my senses and I shivered both out of fear and cold. The black rolling clouds came forward ushered by the thunder and lightning. The wonderful valley below me was obscured from my vision in seconds. Is it possible that a safe comfortable life be shattered in seconds without warning?
Two young people- too impatient to wait for the light to change ran across the high speed traffic and in seconds were no more. What a waste of youth, energy and life! Yet life without risk is so sedate and boring! Man is a gambler but an intelligent gambler and so he rules; the day he crosses the road a second early he will be no more. But what about safe players like me? Well! We may continue to exist but it will be a vegetable existence-eat-sleep-eat!
Most of us muddle our way through life. We do as circumstances dictate us to. It’s only the lucky few that write their own destinies. But the truth is we are all dispensable and the small footprints that we leave behind will soon be erased by the timeless sea!
The curving road below me shows a stream of red lights on one side and a stream of white lights on the other side... the red going away and the white coming towards me – continuous and unreeling. White for peace and red for danger (or is it anger?); is this a signal telling me that nothing lasts forever and I can trash my danger and buy myself some peace?
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