Heavy versus feather light

I was a trifle irritated as my usual treadmill at the gym was being used by someone! As a practice I am not usually very selfish but when I saw a very skinny middle-aged woman using “My” equipment I felt all tied up in knots. I mean why such an underweight character should need to use weight loss equipment was beyond my comprehension. I felt frustrated by just looking at her! If you had looked at me through the magic mirror you wouldn’t have been surprised to see my skin colour as green. Of course I pretended to myself that it was not jealousy but the fact that my routine was filled with obstacles of the ‘stick’ kind.

 

I took the treadmill next to it and grimaced to myself. She gave me a smile (which strangers in the gym do) but did I smile back? No I just twitched my lips for an excuse of a smile! The whole of half an hour I kept peeping at her. I had never felt more obese and bloated in my whole life. We could see each other in the huge mirror in front of us. Needless to say it was one of my worst walks……All the negative emotions like jealousy, envy, anger and irritations were taking turns to occupy my mind. It wasn’t fair, here I had a good reason to be on the treadmill and I didn’t get my favourite one and there was one person who didn’t need to but was wasting her time and mine by walking at a slow pace beside me!

 

Though in the following days she did not use my treadmill, I still did not like her. God was trying to emphasize my obesity by letting her loiter around me! She even went to the sauna which I hadn’t even tried. I wanted to ask her why she was torturing her poor body through all these activities. She looked like an unstrung bean. I learnt to control my negative emotions and continued my activities and ignored her. (Though I wished she would change her timings!)

When I went after the weekend to the gym, I could hear the rumble of the machines outside the door. I sighed and opened the door expecting to see Ms. Beans…. but to my surprise she wasn’t there instead Ms. Pumpkin was there! (Thankfully not on ‘My’ machine!). She was almost three times my size and her complexion was orange like a pumpkin. (Hence my christening her with that name!) What a day it was. “Look at me”, I said to myself, “I am so slim”

 

I felt positively upbeat and smiled at her but I got paid back with my own coin, she grimaced at me!

 

“Huh!” I said to myself, “I won’t waste my smiles on someone who doesn’t appreciated it”

 

I was now all positive, I walked at a faster pace not feeling in the least tired. I even hummed along as the calories-used piled up faster and faster. In short, I was in seventh heaven! I did some extra workouts and still hung around trying the other machines.

 

One week of feeling good! I looked forward to my workouts every day. I saw my co walker trying weights and other machines in the gym and I had started toying with the idea of following suit… maybe next week, I said to myself.

 

The next week Ms. Beans was back! So was Ms. Pumpkin! They were both on the treadmill but not on mine! I felt as if the balloon of happiness had been pricked. Later I wondered why. I was in equilibrium now with both of them beside me I did not touch either the zenith or the nadir! I was where I should be in between!

 

Both it seemed were best friends; chattering away with each other nineteen to a dozen; smiling at each other and talking excitedly; they were having a gala time. They smiled at me, an open hearted one and I reluctantly smiled back. True happiness is infectious. I felt at peace, although I wasn’t actually flying, I was walking with light steps and God in his own way put me in my place. I learnt a lesson that deep depression and ecstasy were temporary emotions. Truth alone triumphs and is permanent.

 

 

 

Dictatorial Mind!

The weather has been rather tiring this winter. My plants and I have suffered the most. The plants get dry (the soil) very soon because of the wind but it’s so cold that I feel sorry giving them water! All of them look a little shrivelled up but they are fighting a winning battle against their recently turned foe “the weather.” My mind has taken a great thrashing in the boxing ring of survival (Hence my calls for help in my last blog write up!)

The sun has been annoyed with me and is punishing me for all my complaints against him during summer! I have learnt a lesson (a common one “too much of anything is bad”!) The other day when the sun had deigned to come out, we were all in the field. I loved it- I refused to wear a cap or dark glasses- I just soaked it up like a parched desert (forgive my mixed-up metaphors!) The green looked brighter; the water clearer; the people all around me wonderful and the world was shining with happiness and joy.

Today has been a good day so far. There is a spring in my step and my befuddled mind has cleared up considerably as against the foggy sky of Alexandria!

As I waited for the lift, I felt something tapping at my feet like a rap on the door. Surprised I looked down to see my old friend the potato. He looked a little battle scarred but nonetheless still firm and handsome with plenty of eyes all over him!

“Hi!” I said happily

 

Without a word of greeting he plunged in to criticize me behaviour.

“Where were you all these days? Don’t come out to visit me at all! In fact on Friday you went for a walk with your husband and you didn’t even look at me!” all these were fired at me rapidly.

Without waiting for a reply he continued, “You know how difficult it is for me to leave my bed and family and come to meet you!”

“I hid in the corner in case someone picked me and threw me in the dustbin and that would have been my end!” he continued grumpily

There was no point in arguing with him. I just picked him up carefully and walked out towards his bed….

“I have been very down and I didn’t feel like coming out at all. Everything was just the opposite of today!”

“You mean it was hot and sunny …. What I wouldn’t do for such days” he said longingly

“No! No! I didn’t mean the weather I meant my mind” I tried to explain

“Pooh!” he said irritated, “the problem with you humans is you give too much importance to your mind! Look at the other species; we don’t have any problems with our minds! Mind is just an overrated engine with plenty of buttons to be pushed. All you need is to push the right button and everything is hunky dory!

 

How could I explain to my friend that human life is much more complex than theirs and the number of buttons are so many it sometimes takes a whole lifetime to discern and choose the right ones.

Promising to be a more sociable person I laid him down on his bed and covered him with warm mud so that the fog and mist swirling around would miss him and leave him in peace.

As I walked back home, I wondered if Pots was right. Do we really give too much importance to our mind and allow it to rule our lives like a dictator?

A quarter of the world is fighting for democratic rights; shouldn’t I too fight and get my democracy back? After all I have a heart and a soul and a body; shouldn’t they have a fighting chance to rule me?

The mind has had fun with me. Tossing me to and fro between despair and hopelessness but has left me to pick up my pieces and glue myself together again. It has been a tyrant but maybe it has lost a battle for I am out of the pit.

Whatever be the verdict today I know I have been pulled up from my lightless pit only through the help of my family and friends. I have at last realized the value of society….

 

Help!

It’s very difficult to crawl your way out of a hole of your own making. Each step is painful and energy consuming. It’s not that I have never been in the doldrums but this time I am in a cubby hole with no windows or lights. It’s a totally negative feeling, completely black and grey with no tinge of colour in the far horizon! I mean I am not feeling blue (Blue is a lovely colour!) I am felling deep dense black. Very heavy and lost; have you ever felt this way before? If you have, then I need tons of advice to get out of these murky waters!

 I used to love the cold weather, now I am dying for warm sunshine. I feel as if I am finding excuses to lie cuddled up within my cocoon of unhappiness! I am scared that I will start getting a kind of pleasure in all the darkness around me! The sunshine is fighting a losing battle with the dark clouds all the time. The lovely turquoise sea has faded in my memory – now only the colourless foam crashing against the rock acts as a whiplash on my scarred psyche. I am not wallowing in misery, believe me, I have tried everything, from music to mediation, from walking to shopping but nothing holds any charm. Chocolates have failed to bring me up!

 

The howling winds used to pump up my heart and I used to feel filled with energy and zest when the storm brewed in front of my eyes but now, I want the calm and pleasant golden hue to permeate the environment. I hate the bite and nip of the wind on my face! I toss my fishing line into my memory for the kind of thrill I used to have but not one bite is there for me to reel in…….

 Life goes on in automaton splendour and I wonder how to hold on to the foothold I have carved for myself in the pit! I want to do something which will drag me from this abyss and set me safe on the cliff so that I can walk off without a backward glance. But what? I have talked with family and friends, I have pretended to understand all the advice and pretended to follow them but you can’t lie to yourself and nothing has worked (It’s possible that I have not honestly followed their advice)

 Today as I write all these, my foothold has become stronger and deeper and I know it will push me out of this abyss sooner or later. I am being honest with myself and with you all and this gives me the extra strength to propel or plan my escape! I am still way down but I can see a glimmer of light- very faint but there, nevertheless.

 A few days ago I met a monk. He promised to remember me in his prayers along with his fellow monks – another push up from the pit! It was wonderful to meet a selfless person – a person without ties yet he is tied to humankind- the compassion that flowed from his eyes was like a balm on my scarred soul.

 I want an analysis of the state of my mind. Physically I am fit, so are my family members; my friends are doing well and everything under the sky seems hunky dory yet I am down in the dumps. If you have ever felt this way before then let me know and I will know that I am not abnormal!

Help me turn my glimmer of light into blazing sunshine; help me throw away this blanket of darkness and welcome lovely warmth; help me feel around in my memory pool and find moments of happiness which will dispel the cold permeating my very being……  

 

   

 

 

Unreal Events

The blinding light took my breath away. I gasped, as I sort of recognized the form. It has been more than six months that I had this experience but dreams are strange…. Unconnected thoughts connect each other and everything feels real in this dimension of life.

The day before I had very energetically decided on going for the short walk to get Chiqui some highlighters and pens from an Art shop near our old apartment; I went for my usual treadmill jaunt; came back and took the hardworking (supposedly!) student to pick up stationary. We were given an added list of things to be picked up from the shop. I made my own list of things to be picked up from the Pharmacy and the Metro and off we went.

Both of us were warmly clothed against the cold winter breeze. It was sunny but blustery and we were glad of the extra coat we were wearing.  We tripped out talking nineteen to a dozen in the sun trying to go up and down the pedestrian walk. I remember feeling full of energy.

We were right in front of the Arts College when my companion pointed out to our old apartment and I instinctively looked at it. Even from that distance I could see all the lights blazing in the house (Remember it was still daylight) and for that instant I saw my old friend (read “The sixth sense”) or at least his form. Many will argue about how I could see him from so far away and to all I shall say “if I could see all the lights blazing in the house, I can see this form on the balcony!” I felt a little shaken and looked down as I stumbled a bit. I looked up again but there was no one there! I assumed I had imagined it and didn’t mention it to anyone.

After our shopping in the Art shop we walked back and when we were just opposite the house again Chiqui noticed that I was walking as if I was exhausted and said so. I just pooh poohed it away and we went home after completing all the other shopping. By the time we reached home I was thoroughly exhausted and had begun having a headache. The evening was normal and I did all my chores along with my headache and slept complaining of sore throat and headache.

The next day was terrible. Husband had gone off early so he didn’t realize my state. The morning was horrible I dragged myself doing all I could do so that the kids would be able to have breakfast and lunch properly.  Then I dozed on and off – seeing horrible dreams! Popping Crocin because by now I was aching all over and that’s the only medicine I could think of taking. 

I then dreamt of my friend recurrently and woke up to understand what was happening. I felt a little better and talked with Chiqui about this possibility and then felt worse and went off to doze again; quite convinced that the ‘evil eye’ had to be removed before I could ever get well again!

Poor Husband! He was welcomed with a sick wife after a hard day’s work! He was also made to do the ritual of ‘evil eye removal’ and then I dozed again, off and on. I do remember being given food and people walking around but I felt relieved- as if a tight band of iron was removed from around my head! I slept the night through.

 

Hubby says I was moaning throughout as if I was in a great deal of pain but I don’t recall anything! I woke up absolutely tired but well. The aches and pains had disappeared; the headache had also vanished and the constant desire to sleep had evaporated and I was almost normal and till now I am doing all my normal activity. 

The question now is what kind of infection was it that laid me down for twenty-four hours? I was so down that I felt I was at death’s door. Anyway was this infection cured by Crocin or by the ‘evil eye removal’ ritual? Was my sickness psychological?  If it was, then what was the reason for my high temperature?

Whatever it was I will not go near my old apartment again as I now remember that an almost identical thing had happened the last time I went near it. In fact Hubby dear had banned me from looking in that direction when we drive past it….

 

On second thoughts could it be the shot of cognac which scared the ghost fever off?????

 

“Kullu” and the Complete Story!

 

“Kullu”, “Kullu” I woke up to the sound of this word repeatedly repeated! As I hollered out whether it was morning, Hubby dear came in and asked me to lie down for another ten minutes and I obediently cuddled and burrowed into the warm blankets not noticing that the bedroom door was shut tight now! I should have known that it wasn’t a usual morning.

 It was a working day so I got up groggily and padded to the bathroom, still not noticing that the door was shut! After the cold water woke me up and I came out wiping my face, there was hubby with a nice cup of hot tea (I still hadn’t got it!) but little tentacles of suspicion were worming through my still befuddled brain especially when the door was so conscientiously being shut behind him!

I made to open it…

 “First drink the tea…”

 “I will in the other bedroom (where we normally have our morning tea)

 “Take a sip at least…” the desperation woke me up and I marched out of the room.

 Splash! Went my socks clad feet into a pool of water and I jumped electrified back into my room.

 The great deluge had filled the house- the corridors, the living room, the laundry room and the computer room were rippling with the placid water and a small scream struck in my throat!

 “The carpets???!!!”, “the computer cables?”, “Curtains…...?” I asked shrilly as I waded all over the house viewing the damage. My cup of tea was forgotten on the washing machine in the flooded laundry room.

 I saw my newbie teenager wielding the mop valiantly, trying to send the water swirling down whatever drain she could find. Husband was back on the phone with “Kullu” to the housekeeping people to stress the urgency. I bunched up my nightie and started the mopping process and decided on bread and butter for breakfast to be eaten standing in the kitchen.

 A little while later “Kullu” paid dividends and one man from housekeeping turned up armed with a mop and water pusher and started work. But the more he worked the more water came tumbling in so he wanted a tour of the house. After he saw the extent of the lake he phoned for help and one more person came in and they began the battle against the deluge.

 Meanwhile I fed the brats and send them off to school and office respectively and waited for the men to do their work.

 They were most efficient – the huge carpets were lifted and hung on the balcony railings and the water was pushed ruthlessly towards the drains and later the whole house was mopped to dry it. All the doors were open so it was freezing cold, but the wind dried the house soon. I got busy salvaging some books which we had not unpacked from the cardboard cartons and my forced spring cleaning began! I found quite a bit of material hidden in these cartons, I could use them to make kurtas, so I was sort of happy!

 Soon the men had cleaned up and left and the plumber had to come to check the pipe burst. 

 It took me ten minutes of broken English (I automatically speak in broken English to all the Arabic speaking people, God knows why!) five minutes of gesticulations (I was talking over the phone and how hand shaking would help is a mystery!) and the plumber came up to check the damage.

 The maid had turned up after all the work got over! She said that there was no hot water in any of the taps! So here I was back to explaining to the plumber that there was no hot water by showing him the kitchen tap and he was ready to open the tap, when I went “Kullu” “Kullu” to tell him there was no hot water anywhere and the maid filled in my blanks, did he realize that the problem was a shut valve outside the house!

 Soon everyone understood everything and the house except for the carpets was back to normal. A call came asking us to remove the carpets from the railings and it took another painful set of communication to explain that “Kullu” carpet was wet, and we cannot move it till it dries out!

 The maid insisted on mopping the “Kullu” house with Dettol!

Peace reigned and “Kullu” saved the day. (By the way “Kullu” means full; entire; complete or anything similar!)

 

 

Spring clean in Autumn

The autumn colours are not very evident near my house. The trees are still green; the sea is aquamarine and the sky is a clear cloudless blue, not very different from other days. There is definitely a nip in the air and the cold sometimes bites into you making you shiver and your eyes water.

I have been looking through all my files and folder; very busy, deleting, organizing and renaming all documents. I have felt bad deleting my old, loved games and felt good in case of all the duplicates that I have and the millions of temporary files and folders that lie around languishing in hidden corners of my virtual world! 

I have given a nice scrub and shine to my keys and screen so that they look almost new (Though the keys have become quite worn out and so cannot disguise their age!) The tiny dust particles wedged between the keys refuse to come out like an overdue baby. I think I need to get a vacuum cleaner for this. I still have to do all this to my external hard drive. It is half and half – half of it is beautiful, spic and span and other half is a dumping ground! I have been piling things recklessly into it. If it was a cupboard, the moment I touched the door the whole lot would come tumbling out!

My virtual world in the last few years has taken precedence over my real world. Earlier, come September, I would get busy cleaning one drawer after another, one cupboard after another and one shelf after another; throwing stuff, cleaning bottles, wiping shelves, putting newspaper wherever required and airing my clothes in the sun. I remember it used to be quite a marathon when everyone- husband, kids and maid would be involved. I remember the arguments over throwing stuff out and the " "humphs" and sulks that would ensue out of this exercise.

“Hey here’s the book I had been looking for!”

“My mermaid Barbie has been lying here all the time!”

 “You purposely hid this T-shirt here so I couldn’t wear it”

All these followed by

“I am giving all these books and papers to the raddiwala”

“All the toys are going to the orphanage”

"That T-shirt is going to be my new duster”

After much argument and wrangling I would be successful in selling half of the books and papers. All the toys would be bathed and laid out neatly before they would be repacked and kept in the loft. But the T- shirts were always my successes; I nearly always managed to turn them into dusters. For this I have to thank my maids (They were always loyal to me!)

Now away from home I have less of throwaways, one child has left home and the other is so anti organizing that I do not touch her stuff till a threat of epidemic comes on top of me. Husband has become older and wiser; he lets me do what I want so there is no spate of real cleaning in my real world!

Old habits die hard! So here I am doing the same thing in my virtual world. This world is more pliable as there is no one to argue (except the teenager who shares a part of this!); anyway I never ask, I just ruthlessly devour! This world is unfortunately boring; what is the fun in doing something without any obstacles? Anyway my very orderly and disciplined mind gets pleasure in sorting out stuff and then paring, cutting, trimming and cleaning everything.

Here I have a different set of objections

 “Don’t delete my pictures”

“Delete all the useless stuff”

“Don’t delete my music”

“Why don’t you do them yourself?”

“Nah! Leave them! They aren’t hurting you anyway. I will look at them when I have time”

 

When there is a question of virtual connected with the real, no one has the time and nothing is useless!

So as usual I take the blame and weed out everything as ruthlessly as possible. Virtually everything is getting cleaner; still a lot to be done though.

It would be good idea if we could take the trash out our minds and spring clean it to its pristine cleanliness. There are thousands of memories I would love to delete and thousands I would rename and put in new folders and lots that I would copy and paste in the right half of my brain from my left half.

In brief it’s time to spring clean in autumn! 

 

Doubting Doubts and Roaring Roots

My potato has grown up now; has settled down; produced off-springs and is seemingly happy!

On another windy cold day, I was surprised to see my potato sprouting green leaves and it hollered to me, so I went slowly (I am having a bad knee these days) towards it and cocked my head enquiringly.

“You know, I forgot to thank you for letting me take root here; amongst all these big plants; no one notices me and my family, so we are safe”

“You are welcome”, I said and waited.

“Now that I have done what I wanted to do and I know that I am safe and happy here, and I am almost a grandfather, I am restless.” He said a shade darkly.

“Well...” I didn’t know how to respond.

“It is said that when you save a person’s life you are responsible for it”, Potato said, “do something to help me now”, he continued on an insistent note.
“First thing is you are not a person”, I argued, “Second thing is, there are millions of beings searching for their roots to garner peace and contentment and here you are with both these things given on a platter and you want to Move!”

“Bah! Roots!” he almost spat furiously, “They are nothing but chains that bind you within an imaginary wall. All this talk about blossoming when you find your roots is all humbug”

“Now! Now! That’s not the right attitude to take”, I said soothingly

“Finding roots is like killing yourself”, he continued, ignoring me. “Do you know that roots actually bind you to a place; limit you to certain parameters and actually kill your creativity and desire?”

 

“Whoa! Those are big words, think before you speak!” I said a trifle annoyed

The breeze was turning into a huge cloud of wind and I pulled the hood of my windcheater up and made as if to go inside.

“Don’t get me wrong”, Mr. Potato continued, “It’s not that I am not grateful for all you have done for me it’s just that I am in a doubting mood and I doubt everyone, even myself!”

I know where my roots are, but I feel, I have unconsciously negated it and tried to be as different from it as possible. I have never let down roots either; I have always been as restless as my friend and have never stayed long enough in a place to grow in! That does not mean that I have not grown or have had a stunted growth. There have been many a time that I have felt superior- that I know so much more than my local friends because I have shifted so many times. But there have been many a time when I have envied the settled aura around these people which I have never had.

 

Mr. Potato was not going to let me go, he was in a talking mood. “Yesterday I was contemplating the ‘ifs and buts’ of you not having rescued me”

“What did you conclude?” I asked

“You know I would have been kicked around a bit and then rotted and died, I suppose”

“Well Then? “I said triumphantly

“But it would have been exciting....” he mused, “who knows something exciting could have happened?”

“Yeah! Maybe Angelina Jolie would have picked you up and kissed you and you would have turned into a handsome young prince and she would have left Brad Pitt and been at your beck and call”, I said sarcastically

 

“Why not? It could have happened, why the doubt in your mind? The more I think the more I am sure it would have happened! “His eyes were shining in anticipation of his fantasy coming true!

I was so disgusted that I was ready to kick him! “What about, if I dig you out and throw you on the tiles here? “I said diabolically

The clever imp said, “That’s the problem, you can’t do that now”
“Why not? “I asked mulishly

“Now so many lives are dependent on me, it would be selfish to leave them and go chasing my dreams” he said smugly

“Escapist! “I muttered under my breath

“What’s that? What’s that? “Potato lisped loudly

“Nothing” I said, “Leave it...”

 

The sun had set; the city lights were all up and shining; the wind was furiously biting into me, both physically and mentally. I wished my erstwhile friend a subdued good night and walked back home.

 

Mind and heart were furiously at each other, hammer and tong! Each blaming the other; Roots versus movement; doubts versus surety; excitement versus safety; I realised I was a climber; I needed no roots; I needed strong walls or trees to support me as I climb over my dreams and mountains and reach for the sky.