The Onion Peel

The concept of existence as an onion has really appealed to me, so I thought I would explore this topic.

I know I am me but I don't know who I was or who I will be! The fact that our likes and dislikes change with time is not a new funda, it's an accepted fact of life but what I am talking about is that if I were to travel back in time to when I was sixteen, I suspect, I would meet a stranger.

Because I have the memory of this lifetime- I remember a young teen who thought that she was right but that no one ever understood her (I think most teens go through this phase!), she was fighting with boys (Mostly verbal but sometimes physical too!) protecting "her weaker girl friends from their predatory boy friends" and trying to excel in everything! (Jack of all trade......)

When I meet the person with the same name ten years later I meet another stranger who is absolutely different from the teen I talked about a few lines earlier- the only thing these two shared is their physical features!

Every half a decade the layers are peeled off and though we see the same onion a little smaller ( In this case a little larger- physically) the actual essence is so different! The pungency; the anger; the flavor- everything is so away from the last layer.

As I wander through the labyrinth of time, I wonder, who I will meet on this road we call life? What will happen when all the layers have been peeled off? Do I get to meet the real existence? Or will I miss it before it disappears? Or will "I"go into another existence searching for the last one or waiting for the final layer in a larger context to be peeled off?

But One thing I am sure of is, every time a layer is peeled off I cry for what I missed out; I cry for what could have been; I cry for the pain and the happiness...

Crying for me is not a negative emotion, it is a healing process; it's a growing process; it is the other half ....

Being Busy

You know? It's nice to be back with you again. The dusty summers have mellowed into warm sunshine filled Autumn. That lovely winter chill in the air- just an appetizer for the bone chilling cold which I think I will experience after eighteen years!

Life has been very full, very crammed at certain moments- it's a good feeling not to have mind space to think; to be so tired by the end of the day it doesn't matter if the dishwasher has been put on or not! Yet people ask me how I fill my days? In a normal social occasion I smile and say "Oh! lots of things!" but seriously I have this very busy mind which never lets me be alone. (Yet I and many other people have labeled me as a -Loner) In fact I have been so "busy"that I haven't been able to speak with you. You might say-Ha! what's the great deal? I didn't miss you!" But I did miss you - you are one of my many commitments which keep me "busy"

Young mothers ask me "Your children are almost grown up what do you do the whole day?"I am waiting for them to grow up and realize that children don't keep you busy, its your mind; your duty driven feelings that keep you busy! All of us go through that stage and think that's the most important stage in life- but is it? I look back and remember the hours and days I used to spend so that my little ones would get three proper meals a day. Life was one round of feeding and preparing food! Age has brought wisdom and I realize that if a child is hungry he will eat. But my sense of insecurity and inexperience made me do that. Let me be very clear - I am not complaining- I just want to say that life was busy then and life is busy now, only my priorities have changed.

When I was in college, I used to want to do so many things- paint, stitch, write, read, knit, crochet,fly, drive, embroider.... the list is endless, I did many of these things; some I completed some I didn't but I always rued the fact that the day did not have more than twenty four hours (I did and I still do "Love to sleep"!) Now I have the time to indulge in these and some new pursuits without feeling guilty- does that make me less busy? you answer this one!

I have been planning to go round walking in Alexandria and taking snaps of all the small works of art that decorate the dividers and crossing of this beautiful city and put it up for you to see- the key word here is "planning". Here I am a almost retired mother not having the time to do such a simple thing! I wonder whether I am just plain lazy or disorganized?

Many corporates hire the services of consultants to figure out how to improve, increase and instigate better performance. Do you think it's time we "almost retired or completely retired mothers"should take their help? I need answers- even to-be-mothers,fully occupied mothers, to-be-fathers, fully occupied fathers and soon-to-be retired fathers and retired fathers can join in this discussion and give me a feedback.

Erasing the line

Its a good feeling to see India doing well at the commonwealth games. What is this about this crazy country of ours that we mismanage everything yet come out with honors??!!Suddenly, after what I feel is eons,I am missing Delhi! I am missing the waiting for the University Special on a cold winter misty morning.I miss eating the hot samosas at the university canteen after a scintillating lecture from the newly appointed handsome professor! I even miss hanging on to the straps in the bus through the hour's journey, dead tired but still enjoying the process.

We didn't have the metro then. Eve teasing was rampant, yet few girls those days had much choice; if you didn't take the DTC, you stayed at home! So we moved in groups, avoided eye contact with "those" kind of boys. Sat in bus stops and passed comments on the innocent ones!

I miss walking around Janpath picking up bargains. I miss wearing the eternal jeans which were like a uniform. I miss going to the Hanuman mandir on Tuesdays- not because I was religious but to accompany a friend who was. I miss coming back home half sleepy, being fed by Ma and going to sleep under the blanket for an hour or so. What bliss!

Great men tell us not to look at the past and that we must live in the present as this is the only reality. But sometimes when we are walking on a beautiful road we come to a dead end- what do we do? Either we turn back and go through the pleasures of the time past or we break the dead end and move forward. To break open a dead end requires immense amount of strength. It is almost nigh impossible to gather this power when we are just awaking from an orgy of pleasant happiness. This is when we need to move back from reality, gather our energy like a high jumper poised before taking off and then string our bow taut and let free the arrow to be able to crash into the black reality facing us. Sometimes the happy past can act as a fuel for this.

The sea is misty today. I can hardly make out the line dividing the sea and the sky. Its time we realize that there is only a line dividing life and after life.

Serpent in Eden!

While reading the book of Genesis, I felt that the whole story was a comedy of errors! Both Adam and Eve were so very flat in the beginning; interesting thing began to happen only when the serpent came into Eden! How much ever we refuse to meet the Devil's eye, we cannot refute the fact that he was handsome and intelligent. How easily he manipulated the humans! And even God's string was indirectly pulled by him.

The eternal question of who was to be blamed, will never be satisfactorily answered. Personally I don't blame Eve, I mean how long can an averagely intelligent human being, just eat and breath? The story had to go forward and the serpent provided the catalyst. The whole atmosphere was at a bursting point, if it had not been the serpent it would have been something else! Not that I blame Adam either, the poor thing did not have much choice did he? Only one friend, companion and wife with whom he was to spend eternity!What other avenues were open for him? They both made their own independent choice and must have regretted it many a times in their life. But it is this choice which gave them the first taste of freedom- before this, they were birds in a golden cage! Just imagine the human race would never have been there but for the slimy serpent! Eternity of Adam and Eve!

The Yin Yang philosophy best illustrates my argument. If Yin is not there, there is no Yang, as they represent a whole, one is incomplete without the other. Of course to label yin yang as good/bad or negative/ positive is to limit its deeper meaning but superficially it does pander to my ideas!

If there was no death would we appreciate life? If there was no ugliness would we appreciate beauty? If there was no pain would we appreciate happiness? Just imagine how many feelings we would have skipped if Eve had not eaten that apple!

It is just that, in the wheel of life, when we are down, life is the pits. When we analyze why such a thing had to happen or is happening? We wallow in the bog of ifs and buts and sink deeper into it. There is no point in reflecting on what went wrong its better to think of how to set it right!

Its the Greek who actually understood what the human mind needs and they introduced the concept of tragedy and catharsis!

The sea is a little murky today, I wait on in the hope that it will clear up soon.

Falling and Rising

It feels good to be back after a hiatus.The last two months have been rather busy- traveling, meeting people and getting to know them better. How strange that many of our preconceived notions can break down in nanoseconds if we allow ourselves to be fluid in our outlook!

Discovering that people are actually good till we turn them into 'not so good' is one of the amazing discoveries that no one ever chronicles. It takes age and time to discover this. I think the arrogance of youth is the main obstacle that prevents us from discovering this wonderful truth of life.

Controlling one's impulses is actually healthy! (When I was studying in the XIth grade, one lady whom I used to look up to, had told me that most of our ailments come due to the fact that we suppress our impulses, "See",she would say,"How healthy all the birds and animals are, they never fall ill- it's all because they never suppress their impulses- they eat when they are hungry, drink when thirsty and shit when they feel the urge to!".This actually ruled me for many of my formative years and I would speak fearlessly of my opinions and ideas without a second thought and with conviction. It did help me in college, specially during seminars and presentations but... a big 'BUT' is whether it endeared me to my friends? I really don't know, not even now! They were too polite to argue with me then! It is only now that I realize that sometimes they actually hurt the atmosphere around us and nothing in life is more important than human relationships!

One more notion that tumbled down like Humpty Dumpty is that, once you have seen somethings (Here I mean Monuments) you have seen it all! Well I went to see the Giza Pyramids for the second time and discovered how wrong I was! Its like going to a growing garden- every time you go there - there is something new to see and appreciate. How is that many of us spend an hour at these sites of civilization and expect to know all, is a mystery?

Silently accepting my drawbacks and trying to make amends has enriched me personally and after a long time the sea is echoing my mood- a little dark, a little turbulent but still warm and inviting!

Acceptance

I have always tried to be very positive while I write here (though as people close to me know that I am by nature Negative!) but the last few days haven't been so good, so forgive me if a little bit of noir creeps in.

As usual I went about my day peeping at the sea whenever possible. ( It is important to nurture a fledgling love!) But by the end of the day I was on the bed feeling ill and nauseous not caring whether the sea was there or not just wanting to go to sleep.

After popping a number of medicines I did fall asleep. My sleep was peppered with dreams where I am chased by a lion, a snake and even a tsunami!(I have serious plans of teaching myself dream readings soon)But I woke up not any better and I moaned and groaned (My pain threshold being very low!)As the day progressed I felt a little able to pull myself up and nod my head about like a newly sprouted plant.

The lethargy which had enveloped me either due to the medicine or my body pushed me into bed and I lay there thinking about the uncertainties that are waiting to pounce on us round the corner.Here I was all gung-ho about how well I was feeling; loving every moment of my new life and bragging about it to anyone and everyone who was willing to listen!The next moment I was down in the dumps reflecting and contemplating on life!

Added to this the newspaper never lets us be happy anyway-making it a point to headline all that is going wrong in the world (When was the last time you had a lovely happy headline?)I watched old Hindi film songs(Black and white ones) and showed off my knowledge to Junu about the actors and the actresses, loved every moment of it -appreciated the lyrics and the lack of musical instruments but the richness of music in them but..... (put it down to my depressed state of mind) But all these people were dead- all these beautiful people were dead! Oh my God! What was the use of loving, hating or doing anything it will be all over in a few years!
I cried myself to sleep.

The day after I was still down but I had woken early and I sat in the balcony having my tea and looking at the deserted roads and looking at the sea crashing on the rocks-reflecting the state of my mind. Suddenly I felt a nip on my toe and I looked down to see a line of ants picking up the crumbs of the cookie I had been eating and in my pain I almost killed the little nipper but I desisted- It was the universe teaching me a lesson- A little ant dragging the huge cookie crumb not for himself for someone else and fighting his way through each obstacle not even scared of a giant like me. Not worried about life or death just living life to the fullest.

The Universe has a plan for all of us. Life is a gift; let us enjoy it, for time is very relative, in fact if we re-size ourselves to be relative to everything, then only the goodness remains and the sun rises everyday to dispel any darkness and the rain clears all clogged minds and the supreme power smiles with benevolence.

Accept that life is an amazing transition which has to experienced and appreciated with all its blacks, whites and the wonderful rainbow colors. So ENJOY!

Questions, wonderings and answers?

The sea is all blue and green today. Not very peaceful, rather it is feisty and a little angry but enchanting, nevertheless. The sound of the tram and the general traffic noise drowns its roar, but  one still can hear it's sound echoing in the recess of the mind.

Yesterday was Bharat bandh; got to know of it from all the statuses on Facebook! Heard and saw arguments for and against the whole episode. Detached- SO very unpatriotic! Wonder at the colossal waste of time, sound bytes and the economic set backs such an episode is responsible.Wonder at the group of intelligent individuals who believe in such episodes. Wonder at the number of people who starved because they did not get their daily bread.

It's time to stop being an Alice in wonderland and redefine priorities.It's time to stop sitting back and blaming all and everyone being responsible except "You know who!" It's time to pull up those fashionable ankle socks and look at the what the mirror is saying.

Pages written on the beauty that is our country; the only country, which if imagination permits, looks like a human being. Its head is constantly battered; both its hand are bandaged; its chest- bloody and bruised and sometimes it receives a kick on the shin!

Its time to stop applauding the spirit of being a rubber band which jumps back to its form. Its time to take stock before the rubber band loses its elasticity and we lie limp, dejected and forlorn!

"What can I do?" echoes the cavernous mind, "What can be done?" is the answer to this question.

Questions, wonderings and answers?

PERCEPTIONS

Like I have mentioned earlier I am living in a kind of personal Eden. Yesterday our family decided to search for dance classes for a bored teenager who is spending too much time chatting on facebook! This leads to a lot of complications which I will talk about later.

We were given two references for this and as we had no idea where these were (We still haven't learnt how to pronounce the names of places!) we were totally dependent on Amin (let me introduce you to our driver)to take us to these places.

My worse half decided we would go at two in the afternoon (my nap time is normally from three to four) arguing that we would be back before that. Anyway the lord and master prevailed and we went forward in our quest.

Amin has wonderful driving skills- he can turn a huge car into any tiny space; he finds or roars into any small gap in the traffic! After a lot of such exhibitionist driving we finally reached the first destination. The sign board was there on a street corner but no directions! so we meandered in and out of a few buildings and then with my very strange arabic accent we managed to find the place.

A lovely carved and closed door greeted us and we were favourably impressed. We rang the bell and were met by a young lady with an inquiring look I smiled the smile that I use here on a regular basis and stepped in followed by the family. There was a middle aged lady at the reception desk who fortunately spoke English. She hastened to tell us that she was the owner and the girl was the receptionist and we looked suitably impressed.We then got the information we needed, deciding we would come on Monday to decide which dance she would take up.

The Lady realized we were Indian and as we began to leave she mentioned how she has been wanting to go there for years and how her son who has been there a number of times calls it "Heaven on earth" and I flattered her back saying that we found Alexandria "The heaven on Earth" she nodded her head sadly and said that "You should have come here ten years ago then you would see how it has changed- a city filled with Villas is filled with ugly concrete high rises" As I bid goodbye to her I thought- isn't that every city's tale?

We decided that this place would be good for the teenager as it was close to our house and the lady was sweet! (the teenager herself didn't look too enthusiastic though!)But there was no harm in looking at the other one. So we drove on with Amin at the helm executing the narrow lanes and curves with a talent reserved exclusively for Egyptians.

There were no boards to advertise the second place. We looked at the dilapidated building with the huge doorway with trepidation and as it was past my nap time with a huge yawn from me.We saw a non functional lift from the bygone eras looking forlornly at us. I said " let's go back!", so did the teenager but worse half was still in an adventurous mood so he asked an old man where this dance place was with a lot of broken English and gesticulations; we gathered that it was on the second floor and of course the lift was not working. Here I must remind you that it was an old old building where the roof of each floor was almost twenty feet high so to climb to second floor is equal to climbing four! After the first floor I stopped for breath but now father - daughter were all agog to see what and where this was.I wrinkled up my nose at the dusty steps and the crumpled plastic and paper, hesitated and then trudged up after them.At last we entered the hallowed portals (It looked like the convent school I studied in when I was in first standard!)

After the normal hand gesticulation we were introduced to the Frenchman who ran the establishment. He gave us a small lecture on modern dance, though he taught ballet. He gave individual attention to the young lady (Clever businessman!), introduced us to the young dance instructor (who also made it a point to speak to the budding teenager!), dropped a number of Indian names and invited us to stay back and witness one of the classes before we decided. Though we declined to do so, all three of us in our own ways were impressed in spite of the outside ambiance. We left promising to be there next Saturday and armed with a programme for modern dance show at the Opera house in Alex.

The bored look was still there but I could see the glimmer of interest on the visage of the prosecuted adolescent. We traipsed down the steep stairs with a comment that it would be good for weight management. I will wait for next Saturday to know whether the Frenchman got the kill or not but what I learnt definitely is that we should always try the unknown it could lead us to the proverbial pot of gold.

Inconsistent love

I have always been a lover of mountains, maybe because genetically I belong to it. I have never been overly fond of the sea. I do like looking at it, but that's it!

I have hated the sand getting into my eyes and shoes; the amount of cleaning one has to do after you come back from a swim in the sea has always put me off.

Its been two months now that I have been living by the Mediterranean and though I still don't like the sand, I love the sea! I hold every moment precious when I just gaze at the changing colors of the sea and get absolute peace. Nothing else matters, now it is just the beauty and the vastness that takes my breath away.You know, everything has a time and place and this is my time and place!

Everyday is a new experience for me, the language, the culture and the divine weather has helped me not miss my country too much. I am taking each day as it comes and trying to cram in as much into my 24 hours as I can. (I still take my mid afternoon nap though:))

As I write this, I am looking at the sea which is deep blue;light blue; green and turquoise and oh so many shades which I had never noticed in the seas before.

Life teaches you to be so inconsistent! Here is a lover of mountains half in love with the sea.

The salesman

A face pleading, hands full of .....something. The usual scene at a red light stop.

I ignored the gesticulating hands and eyes from inside the air conditioned comforts of the car with a negated smile.

Plop! the 10 by 3 inches fliers(?) were put down on the windshield.I shook myself out of my reverie and vigorously shook my head.

Apparently the hand gave up-he picked up the papers and started moving . A few were left and I noticed that they were not fliers- they were lottery tickets.

Junu lowered the window and yelled "Hey! Take them back!"

The fellow was back now at Junu's side of the car!

"Seth!",the young man said,"today Lakshmi wants to come to you, take these - 5 for Rs 100"

I protested in vain....

the tickets exchanged hands....

"What is your name?" Junu asked

"Seth.. my name is Amjad... take my number its 97567827" and he vanished into the milling crowd.

Lakshmi! and "Amjad"

It happens only in India